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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Fat

"Fat girl" "Fat Ass" "Blubber Butt" - those were my nicknames when I was growing up. I remember how they stung every single time I heard them. I so desperately wanted to wear skinny jeans and cute clothes like all the pretty girls wore. I wanted to wear the cute two piece swim suits to the pool in the summer. Instead I wore baggy clothes and on the rare occasions I did go to the pool, I covered my ugly, frumpy one piece bathing suit with a t-shirt and I always wrapped a towel around myself for good measure.


Looking at pictures of myself back then, I wouldn't really say I was "fat". Chubby, definitely, but not fat. But you know how damned mean kids can be. I was lived with my lovely nicknames until the end of junior high when I finally grew taller and slimmed down - but it didn't matter anymore, the damage was done. In my head I was "fat girl" and in my head I have been "fat girl" ever since.

Jump forward to today. I'm 36 years old and I'm STILL battling my inner "fat girl". It doesn't matter that I've lost close to 40 pounds since I had my second son and I am back down to my pre-baby weight. Most women would be totally stoked to be back to "normal" after having two kids. But not me, oh no - that would be too easy. I felt fat before I had kids and now I still feel fat. I weigh 165 lbs - which isn't really fat, but it's not skinny either and that's where I've always been. Stuck somewhere between "not fat" but "not skinny". That shitty place between happy with your body and hating every dimple and lump. That shitty place between a size 10 and 12, but really wanting to be a size 8 or dream on, a size 6!


I lost my 40 lbs of baby weight on Weight Watchers so I know it works, and I only have 10 lbs to go to reach my goal weight. But damned if those 10 lbs aren't glued to my ass or something. No matter what I do, nothing is budging. It's pretty frustrating really. I'm so tired of floating between love and hate with my body image. It's time to open a serious can of whoop ass and KILL my inner fat girl once and for all! Now, where exactly did I leave my can opener?

3 comments:

Mike said...

Heather and I tried Nutrisystem after Maddie was born and it was the most disgusting stuff ever. Weight Watchers sounds better!

I was a heavy kid too, and yeah, the stuff kids says sticks to you big time. I remember I was at a basketball camp one summer that would have older kids keep stats of the games, so at the end of each game you knew exactly how many points, rebounds, assists, etc. that you had.

Anyway, after one game in which I had dominated I couldn't wait to read my stats. Once the older kid posted the stats on a board me and the other kids ran over to look at it, stoked. I didn't see my name though. What the heck? I furrowed my brow and said "I have to be on here! I had the most points in the game by far!" It was then that I noticed the player who had scored the most points wasn't named "Joe," "Frank," or even "Mike," but "Fat Kid." That's right. For whatever reason the older kid who took score thought it would be funny to write down "Fat kid" instead of "Mike". After that the kids at the camp started to call me "Fat Kid." Good times.

If I ever run into the older kid who kept score we're going to have "go outside" like people say in the movies.

Manic Mom said...

Hey I just thought I would bring you my can opener, but I left it by the fridge. Your place looks great, I'll be back. Keep up the great posts!

Sonya said...

Hi...I came across you through Manic Mom, I think...but all in all, I like your blog. This post, although I think you were meaning to be serious, made me laugh...because it's how I feel too. Sometimes you just feel STUCK!

I'll be adding you to my blog roll, if that's ok! :)

Take Care!