Tuesday, July 15, 2008

This I do not like

I had the extreme pleasure of grocery shopping with both boys not just once, but twice over the weekend. Let me say now that I would rather pluck my eye lashes out one by one instead of go grocery shopping with my kids.

You're probably wondering what the big deal is, right? Honestly, it's not just one thing that makes shopping with my kids so stressful and exhausting - it's a lot of little things that combine to transform the entire experience into one big 'ol clusterfuck.

To begin with, there's always SO MUCH FREAKING EFFORT that goes into just getting out the damn door. I know this is a constant, but still. There's sunscreen to be applied, sun hats and Transformer sunglasses to find, sandals to put on, snacks, drinks, and a daiper bag to pack, butts to wipe, etc. etc. I'm usually done before we even start!

And of course there's everything that happens once we get to the store. I always, WITHOUT FAIL, have to switch carts several times because I pick the one with the 1) broken/missing safety strap or 2) the safety strap that looks like its covered with crusty, year-old vomit.

And what would a shopping trip be without the fussing and the whining that starts approximately 8.5 minutes after entering said store? Since Captain Crazy is older he usually starts in first. Our conversations usually go something like this:

"Mommy, can I have some candy"
"Mommy, can I have some gun"
"Mommy, can I have a toy"
"Mommy, why do you say "no" all the time?
"I waaaant a toy, Mommy! Please Mommy, please!"
"You're such a terrible mommy!"

By then The Destroyer is usually starting to act out too. He can't talk yet, but boy does he let me know when he's unhappy. Usually he wants to look at something in the cart, and I of course can't figure out what that item is. Our conversations go something like this:

The Destroyer -(pointing)"um, um, um"
Me - "What do you want, Dane? Do you want to look at this box?"
The Destroyer - (Shaking head "no") Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Me - "Here Dane, look at this can, isn't it neat?"
The Destroyer - AAAAHHHHHH! Gaaaa NAAAAAAA!. Chucks can out of the cart into the middle of the isle.

I try to keep my cool but by now people are clearly gawking at me - the incompetent, clueless mom in isle 7.

The only time I can keep my two lovelies relatively happy during a shopping trip is to take them to Freddies where they get to ride in the race car shopping carts. The boys LOVE them. I LOATH them. They weigh damn near a ton, are cumbersomb, and they make a shitload of noise. They usually get along fine until one of them starts hogging the wheel. Anyway, if I remember correctly, that shopping trip took a little over 45 minutes. We left the store with a package of hamburger buns, some deordorant, bananas, and some cat litter.

So what I want to know is this - what things do you avoid doing with your kids? Is there any activity that you avoid doing at all costs and why?


Sonya said...

OH MY GOODNESS!!! My son always wants to ride in the 'toy' carts too, but I figure I would rather him be a mess in the store than to take 15 min sanitizing the cart first. I can barely do it with one...can't imagine 2! :)

Now that he gets his hair cut by my stylist, it's ok, but I use to avoid taking him to the salon at all costs. She would even come to my house if I needed it that bad! :)

Sheila said...

I will not use the car, bus, truck, space ship, whatever cart! My kids know this. Mahala even made the comment the other day about how I can't let Kaden ride since her & Skylar never could. I was like don't you worry.

Mike said...

This was hilarious...I too hate the million things you have to do to leave the house and I have one kid!

On the subject of store trips...I had Maddie there recently when she inexplicably starting wailing at the top of her lungs. This would be bad enough, but THREE neighbors from my building were there and eyeing/judging me. Sigh.

Leslie said...

Sonya - I'm so jealous that you have a stylist you actually LIKE! I'm still hunting for one for myself and for the boys!

Manic Mom - Way to say "no" to the carts - I just never had the willpower!

Mike - Captain Crazy did the same thing to me once - when I was in a LAW SCHOOL in the hallway DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR EXAM!! I never got out of a place so quickly in my entire life!!! Talk about being completely mortified!